6 Powerful, Soul-Searching Things To Say To
Difficult Students
1. “You’re
better than that.”
When: After an incident of misbehavior, perhaps while the
student is sitting in time-out.
Why: It is both a statement of fact and a challenge. And coming
from someone they respect, four little words never said so much. Like flipping
a switch, it’s a remark that can instantly change a student’s attitude from
feeling sorry for themselves or proudly smug to determined not to make the same
mistake again.
2. “This
is not who you
are.”
When: At the end of a bad day, perhaps while the student is
reading the behavior letter you presented him (or her) to take home.
Why: Through their words and actions, most teachers communicate
to difficult students that their misbehavior is who they are, all but guaranteeing
that poor behavior will not only continue, but get worse. This comment, though,
said with calm conviction, assures them that it isn’t true.
3. “That’s
not good enough.”
When: After a period of
improvement.
Why: Difficult students are
used to receiving heavy praise for modest improvement, and so this statement
can come as a shock. At first glance it appears to be a criticism, but in
effect it’s a powerful morale booster—because it lets them know that you
believe in them, and that they’re capable of so much more.
4. “You
can do this.”
When: Before trusting them with
a delicate task or assignment, one that in the past would have tripped them up
and caused unwanted behavior.
Why: As you begin to see improvement, you must give difficult students opportunities
to take the next step. And so just before sending them off to work on a class
project with their friends, for example, look them in the eye and make this
remark with fist-pumping intensity.
5. “Now
that is how you do it!”
When: After real success—not
just improvement, mind you, and not simply a brief moment in time, but a clear
and convincing change in behavior.
Why: From behavior contracts to scoldings to meaningless praise, most
difficult students have been told they’re different for so long that failure
becomes part of their DNA. This statement tells them otherwise, assuring them
that they don’t have to be any better or try any harder—it’s living, breathing
proof that they really can do it.
6. “I
believe in you.”
When: After hitting rock
bottom.
Why: When a difficult student
is feeling down about his misbehavior, it’s best to leave him alone with his
thoughts. So many teachers interrupt this essential self-examination by trying
to soften the blow—which spoils the lesson. After giving him time and space,
however, this passing remark can mean the world to him.
Like An Angel
Because they’ve known so many
of them, because they’ve been manipulated, coddled, indulged, and falsely
praised ten times over, difficult students can pick a phony a mile away.
And so unless you genuinely
believe in what you’re saying, it’s best not to say anything at all.
But sparingly used and in the
right moments, with just the right tone and intonation, and with stripped down,
unadulterated, eyeball-to-eyeball honesty…
Your words will have power.
So when you appear unexpected,
like a guardian angel from on high, and deliver the message they most need to
hear…
It will echo in their head long
after you’ve turned and walked away.
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